from Megan Martin: "on medium-ing and not medium-ing"

& desire to not-writing (only relevant in title, maybe, though I do love this piece and it’s the first thing I think of) or desire for medium-ing or mediating, having listened to interview with man-writer x I don’t really like and have never though he’s a “big deal,” he’s a tool in the interview, says how he usually writes his books with death metal all the way up so he can’t think thoughts, I think rudely ‘that makes a lot of sense,’ but also that I long for his medium state, this state of not-writing, of being the passive body experience/world/ passes through/is processed by, state of not-trying, refusing-to, or not-having-to try, this being the mystical mystery-process I prefer certainly, esp. with AD brain, chemo brain, overwork brain, brain-incapable-of-by-the-reins-ing. at coffee shop, in my headphones, sun ra, deeply distracting and fueling relieving me from alleged “book” I say I’m “revising,” I say is (becoming) a “novel” though hating the idea of novel-ing…want to escape novel-ing entirely rn, but repeated mention of the end of the world returns me to obligation to “narrative content” (another thing I don’t [want to] care about; as soon as I decide not to I can’t tolerate/don’t know what to do with this not-writing) getting juice of orange all over my hands go back to typing anyway knowing i’ll leave the keys disgusting