from Stanislaw Warda: Conversation

                                                              Conversation

You almost ran over me. I know today is your special day; everyone is giving way to you; there is a cavalcade of cars with you, so you think that today you are the most important person. I assume you like it , you might feel like VIP or even the President of the USA. However, it is not the end of the world, so do not be so vain.

I can understand you; I know that for a long time you felt unappreciated. I understand you are angry now , because not everything is ok in your  life; you did  not have your dream job or  women whom you desired, and you had little money.  You always thought that you deserved a better life. You often watched other people, who were worse, in your opinion, gather more profit than you. 

When you consider your life, it all began when you were a child. Even if your parents loved you, you always felt that it was not enough that some of your siblings got more love or better toys, and you thought your parents treated them better. Of course you were jealous of your inadequate position in your family, but you always were able to explain it to yourself. Usually this explanation was that you were the youngest of your family and for that reason it had to be like that.

In your adult life it was different. You did not blame yourself too often. You even achieved some success in which you would be proud. You are right, finally not everybody has a family, a few children and a good job. So, if you get that, you should not complain. Despite this, sometimes you noticed that you missed something in your life. You had some feelings that although you should be happy and you were, but it was not enough.

When you shared your thoughts with your friends, it seemed that they also had similar feelings. To remedy these feelings they tried many distractions such as   different women, extreme sports, or expensive cars. It does not help or rather it helps for a short time. Finally, you decided that it is your personal loneliness, and it had to be like that. 

Now, it seems that you are getting rid of your problems. It’s ok, if you think  this way, but I do not understand why you tried to convince me that this is the only  way to get rid of them. I know that I do not chat about it, but I chose a different way to overcome it.  You know perhaps this is strange, but I love my troubles.  I love to have my problems, all of them. I even love the sarcastic tone I hear during conversation with other people. Sometimes, when I notice my regular days are without those problems, I get the impression that something is wrong with me. So no, I do not want to go with you now, not yet. I want to stay here with my problems. They are like fuel which gives me energy. 

I thought as I watched  the last car pass the cemetery gate, and I walked away in the opposite direction.